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  I dry up and slip in Ten's T-shirt and then in Ten's bed. I rest my head on a pillow and it smells like him, sweet and comforting. It's only 6 p.m. according to the clock on the nightstand but Ten is right, I'm exhausted.

  I wake up in a jolt. I feel like my head hit the pillow three seconds ago but according to the clock it's been more than five hours. My breasts are so tense I think I'm about to explode. Ten is in the bed next to me. It's weird. I mean on our little corner of the beach in Long Island I have laid next to him hundreds of times but I've never been in bed with him. He's turned on the light in the bathroom and left the door slightly ajar. I love him so for thinking of little stuff like that.

  In the dim light I can see that he's on his side leaning on one elbow looking at me. What's really strange is that he's not looking at my face. He's looking a little more south. I follow his gaze to my breast region and realize the front of the shirt is soaking wet. I'm leaking. I should have worn a bra and padded the inside with toilet paper. I forgot.

  "Does it hurt?" he asks.

  I lie. "Just a bit. It's not that bad. Well it wouldn't be if I didn't mind feeling like they will soon both burst. "Eventually it will pass. I just have to wait it out."

  "I think I know of a way to help," Ten shyly says.

  "You do?" The surprise in my voice is unmistakable.

  "Yes, but I'm afraid your going to think I'm a freak."

  "Never, I would never think that about you." I take a playful tone and add, "I know you're a bit weird. I mean seriously, you picked me as your best friend so you are weird but a freak, no never."

  "Okay, so close your eyes," he says.

  My trust in Ten is such that I do close my eyes without hesitation. I don't open them when I feel him pulling the T-shirt up to my neck.

  I shudder when I feel that he's putting one hand on a breast and his lips to a nipple. It works. It's amazingly soothing. The relief is almost instant. I put a hand on Ten's head and run my fingers through his hair. I let him work on the first breast for a minute and then pull his head to the second.

  I open my eyes and look at him. His eyes are closed and the expression on his face is so intense I don't know what to make of it. He's right. What we're doing would probably look freaky to others but there is no doubt in my mind that it's an act of pure and absolute love. It's amazingly intimate without being sexual. I close my eyes again feeling as if I had cheated by taking a peek at his face. He pulls away and with the most tender voice, he asks, "How are you feeling now?"

  "Much better, thank you."

  He cradles me in his arms and rolls on his back taking me with him.

  "How did it make you feel?" I ask looking up at his beautiful face.

  He thinks for a moment and says, "Trusted and loved. Lovey, you always made me feel loved."

  I close my eyes and think about that Christmas day on the pier. One look at each other and we had known we had come with the same purpose in mind. We were tired of the games the grown ups were playing and we wanted to get off their crazy merry-go-rounds.

  I go back to sleep thinking how lucky we are to have found each other that day.

  Chapter Ten

  Ten cracks the kitchen door open and asks, "Is everything ready?"

  "Yes, almost," I answer. "We still have time, the party is starting at eight."

  "You're sure I can't do anything to help?"

  "Nope, you have finals in a couple of weeks, you need great grades to get a summer internship in a top law firm, I don't want you in my kitchen," I growl back.

  "Leave the girl alone, if she doesn't want help, you should thank the Lord and count your blessing," says a deep baritone male voice.

  "Oh no Andy," I say. "There's a misunderstanding here. I did not say that I did not want help, I just said that I didn't want Ten's help. He's got some studying to do. Now your help would be greatly appreciated, Officer."

  Ten retreats and calls out to Andrew, "There goes another opportunity to keep your big mouth shut, Officer Andrew."

  Andrew walks in the kitchen and give me his best salute, "Reporting for duty, Ma'am."

  Andy loves goofing around and never misses an opportunity to make me laugh. I give him a pile of ashtrays to scatter about the living room and instruct him to return for a more delicate mission when this one is accomplished. We need to push the furniture around to make a dance floor. I boss him around for a little while and when everything is ready, I promise him that when he finally decides to take the sergeant exam I'll be catering to his every need to make sure he gets all the studying time necessary.

  I go to my bedroom to get dressed. I'm working so hard that I'm the lightest I've been in years. Nevertheless, without clothes on I feel horrible. Eve's pregnancy has left stretch marks all over. With clothes on, I look okay. No, the truth is I look good. Between Eve's birth in September and this New Year's evening I got myself back together. Tonight, I'm breaking in new black leather pants and a black silk shirt. Both were presents from Ten for Christmas. He also gave me a necklace with big black pearls that used to belong to his grandmother. She loved custom jewels and this one was of really good quality since it held up all those years. Otherwise Jane Clark wore very little real fancy jewelry. I remember she had a simple gold wedding band and then a ring with a sapphire and two little diamonds. I put the necklace on and look at myself in the mirror. I'm thinking that I'm looking pretty hot for a size 14.

  Except that Alexander is the only one I would really like to look sexy for. I walk out of my room and Andrew whistles, "You look good."

  I smile and curtsy, "You don't look too bad yourself."

  Instead of the usual tee-shirt, he's tucked in a crisp white shirt in his jeans and it suits him. He's holding a tumbler of scotch in his hand and has a dreamy look on his face. This means trouble. The man can't hold his liquor. It's a good thing he seldom drinks.

  "If you were not spoken for, I would seriously hit on you."

  My smile vanishes. Why did he have to make me think of Alexander? Xander Wild is still in Europe. The last concert of his tour was yesterday. Tonight it's going to be a year since we parted. I haven't even spoken to him once since.

  I don't care what Andrew says, as far as I'm concerned, I'm not spoken for by anyone and especially not by his brother.

  If I'm to believe Andrew's drunken banter, Alexander still thinks of me as his girl and expects me to be waiting for him. If that's so, why hasn't he called me? When I think about it there are big bubbles of anger that pop to the surface of my feelings.

  I catch Andrew in a hug and say playfully, "Well, your brother's not here and if you don't try anything tonight or soon, before I find a special someone, you'll never know if you missed your chance."

  Andrew holds me at arms length with a mock horror look on his face and says, "Xander would rip my balls out, make me cook them, and feed them to me if he caught me just ogling you. Seriously, don't even let him find out that we share the same bathroom and that I walked in on you as you were showering!"

  "You what?"

  The intercom buzzes and Andy runs to answer it, "Saved by the bell," he says.

  "We're not finished with this conversation," I say.

  "Yes we are. You know he makes up things when he drinks," says Oliver.

  "Oh good, you're home. I didn't hear you come in. Are you okay? » I ask him.

  Oliver is our other roommate. He's doing his intern rotations and usually when he gets home he just crashes.

  "Yes, Mum." Oliver often makes fun of the way I mother him but I think he secretly loves it. Who wouldn't, I would love to have some one taking care of me the way that I take care of them. I'm being unfair, Ten is always attentive and Andrew and Oliver are always caring.

  "The last shift was quiet, I was able to catch a little shut eye," he says. "I'll be fine."

  Ten steps out of his room as I walk to the kitchen get some ice out. I turn around and watch my three musketeers ready to greet our guests.

  "Are we ready to party
?" I ask.

  "Hell, yes!" the three of them say.

  Our friends arrive and soon enough we have a joyous party. I've had one of the cooks at work help me prepare a cold buffet so now that I have it set out I'm all done. Oliver's prepared a tape alternating fast and slow songs. Couples are dancing in the middle of the room. When the slow songs come on, he dims the light and catches one of the cute interns he's invited. I watch them dance until I hear one song I love. It's My First, My Last, My Everything. Ten catches me and makes me dance. "I've decided that this is going to be our song, so you have to dance with me," he says.

  I look up to him and as we move slowly to the rhythm of the music and my heart swells. "Did I ever tell you how much I love you?" I ask him.

  "About a million times," he jokes.

  "I don't know what I would have done without you."

  "Shush," he says, pressing my head on his chest. "I probably need you more than you need me, Lovey."

  I really can't imagine what my life would have been without him. I understand that I bring him all the love the little boy in him has always been craving but I'm not sure it's half as life defining for him as what he's done for me. Ten's my savior, he's my rock. He even gave me the self-confidence I badly needed to apply for a job I never dreamed I could get. Without him I would not even have presented myself to the interview to become Marc Martin's assistant. I had never heard of the restaurant entrepreneur before Ten showed the ad to me.

  Ten had done some research about him and found out that, just like me, he had started out in his family restaurant. He had run away and found his first job at sixteen on a luxury cruise ship in New York as a low hand assistant.

  Ten was right. Marc Martin was the sort of man that would hire a girl my age with no formal education but an experience similar to his.

  Working with him for the past two months has been mind blowing and I have Ten to thank for it. So Ten's given me my job as well as the place where I live and the company of my wonderful roommates.

  There's only one thing missing in my life. I need someone to fall in love with and forget Alexander. I need this so badly it hurts. When I think about Alexander it's like there's a ball of lead in the middle of my chest and I can't breathe.

  This is just what's happening to me as the next song begins. It's a slow ballad Alex wrote about a girl. In the lyrics, he swears eternal love using my words "No one, no one ever before ... and I wish for no one, no one ever after."

  The first time I heard it I wanted to die.

  "I know you miss him, Lovey," Ten says, "but you know he's a musician, hell you even gave him your blessing to go on tour. You can't blame him for being away."

  "It's over. If he were not over me why wouldn't he call me?" I ask Ten. "I know he calls his family. He's even called here and spoken to Andrew. Why not me?"

  "Probably because he doesn't feel that the telephone is an appropriate way of communicating with you," Ten answers.

  I shrug but Ten won't let go, "He's taken your family name as his for a stage name. He's written wonderful songs about you. Do you know how many girls would kill to have him write about them the way he writes about his love for you?" He's right. The one we wrote together has yet to be released but the one we're dancing to is beautiful and I believe he wrote it for me using my words for him.

  I just wish Xander Wild would come back home from his tour so I could have my Alexander back. I heard Andrew say that his tour just ended with his concert in London yesterday. He'll be home soon and the very thought of possibly seeing him again makes me shiver. The music goes back to a faster beat and Ten lets me go. I'm back playing hostess and checking on everybody.

  I hear retching as I walk by the bathroom. I knock on the door and try to turn the handle. The idiot throwing up in the bathroom has locked the door. "Go away. Leave me alone." Shit, it's Andrew.

  I go to the kitchen to get a thin skewer to slide in the central hole of the handle and force my way in. I find an unconscious Andrew and lock the door behind me. I pull his head from the toilet and push him against the wall. I take a towel from the shelf and put it under the cold water. The smell in the room is horrible.

  I flush the toilet, kneel in front of him to wipe his mouth, and then some yucky stuff from his hair. Gross! I fold the towel in two and put it on his forehead. He's got a big gash. He's probably knocked himself out against the toilet seat in a heave. His eyes flutter open and he looks at the locked door and at me.

  "How did you get in?" he asks. His speech is a bit slurred.

  "I slid under the door," I answer and watch him try to process that piece of information. It's funny because he stares at the bottom of the door and then at me as if he's actually considering my answer as a possibility.

  "Come on Andy, upsy daisy, I'm taking you to bed," I tell him as I get up and pull him by both arms.

  "I'd love to do you," he says, "but I'm serious. Xander would kill me."

  "I don't think you're in any shape to do anything but your pillow," I joke as I steady him in a vertical position and open the door. I walk him to his room and make him sit down gently on his bed. I unbutton his shirt which is covered with half digested stuff. I fold it in a ball using as few fingers as I can and then pull his shoes and socks of.

  Had I ever entertained anything romantic with Andrew, I would be cured of it for good. I'll ask Oliver or Ten to come finish undressing him later. I make him lay down on his stomach with one hand flat on the floor. I've been told it can help with the spinning.

  It's almost midnight and everyone's eyes are glued to the television showing the time square crowd. Everyone's eyes except Ten's, he's scanning the room looking for me. When he sees me he smiles and I rush to be next to him so by the time we're done counting down I'm in his arms and we both wish each other a happy new year.

  1980 has to be better than 1979.

  I look for Oliver but he's nowhere to be seen. I can't see the intern he was dancing with either and the door to his bedroom is closed. They're having their own private celebration. My mind goes back in time and I scold myself. Not tonight. Tonight I will not be melancholic. My life is good and I'm going to enjoy it.

  Another hour and all of our friends are gone. I'm cleaning up when the doorbell rings. Ten runs for it and opens the door to a very handsome man who grabs him and kisses him passionately. I want to look away but I can't. It's the first time I see two men kissing and I'm fascinated. I want to ask Ten why he didn't invite him to our party but I never get the chance.

  The guy winks at me and says, "Hello, you must be Lyv. Happy new year to you, little girl. I'm stealing your boy for the night." He steps back in the hallway and leaves with Ten.

  I sure hope he's living in the building otherwise Ten's gonna catch a serious cold.

  I have to stop being so protective. Protective, right. I need to check on Andrew. I do and, sure enough, he's thrown up again. At least he had stayed on his stomach and didn't suffocate. When will he learn he just can't drink?

  I go back to house cleaning for a while and then decide I can't let him sleep in such a mess. I change from my leather pants and silk blouse into an oversized tee shirt from Ten's closet and return tackle Andy. I finish undressing him. He's in a stupor. I hope it's the alcohol he consumed and not a brain injury after the shock. I get him almost vertical and coax him in the bathroom. I set the water to a reasonable temperature and step in the shower with him.

  I almost laugh to myself thinking that I'm pretty sure my three month old baby must be less trouble to manage than the three supposedly grown man I'm mothering.

  Now that Andy's cleaned what do I do with him? I can't put him back in his bed because it's revoltingly dirty. I'm going to play musical beds. I'll put Andy in my room and go sleep in Ten's room.

  I wrap up an almost naked and wobbly Andy in a towel and he becomes very talkative as I dry him off. Since he's watched me in the shower, he's got a fantasy starting with him washing my hair. So being together under the shower was like a dream c
ome true except that I was wearing this stupid tee-shirt and that he's too drunk to get it up... Too much information. When he sobers up, I need to get to the bottom of this watching me under the shower story.

  My bringing him in my room and tucking him in my bed is making him even more confused. He's apologizing profusely and telling me that for sure tomorrow he won't have this technical problem anymore. "Oh, I'm sure Andy," I say. "Tomorrow, your penis won't be the problem. It's going to be your head."

  I turn out the light and retreat to Ten's room. The wet tee-shirt falls to the floor of Ten's bathroom and I fall in his bed. Boy, am I tired, I think I'll sleep all day tomorrow.

  Chapter Eleven

  I'm dreaming about the restaurant I'll be working in next week when a voice interrupts my dream. Oliver's voice is amused and curious "Hey Lyv! Wake up. The doorman buzzed. You have a visitor. I went to wake you and I found Andrew sleeping in your bed so I decided to ask Ten where you were and I find you here."

  It's too early for him to wake me up. It's too early for anything but sleep. I pull the quilt over my head. "Leave me alone, too complicated to explain now," I mumble from under the quilt.

  Proving that his hearing is really fine, Oliver laughs and says, "I don't give a damn where you sleep. I'm just giving you a heads up because the some one coming up may want an explanation. So if you don't have one ready you better think about one real quick."

  Now I'm curious. I pull my head out from under the quilt and open my eyes. Early day light fills a corner of the room as I did not bother to shut the curtains last night. Oliver is standing by the door in his underwear. I squint and, yes, they're inside out. Funny way to start the New Year. Especially for him who is usually so meticulous about his appearance.

  In my half asleep I wrack my brain trying to think to whom I could owe an explanation. It can't be the Ice Queen, Ten's mother is somewhere exotic for the holidays. It can't be James senior, he's in Acapulco for the winter. It can't be Ten's boyfriend because he's with Ten and it can't be Ten because he wouldn't care that I slept in his room. Actually he would be relieved that I didn't put a puking Andrew in is bed!